Feeling a real need to write tonight, but I don't know about what. C is on the phone with her mom, having a hard time, and doesn't want me near. She. . . I dunno, she something.

Been talking w/Loki (who is going through shit) and Ti (who seems to be ok) and biding my time, waiting to be needed - no, WANTING to be needed, but Cyn is in this superwoman mode, wanting to 'take care of her own needs' like a marriage isn't a partnership. I understand wanting to be strong, but she won't ever be, not as sick as she is. Then again,I can't do her life for her. She has to go to work, has to do church, thinks she has to put on for the world. I could help more, I guess, but then I don't have time to read, time to write, then I go slowly mad and curl up in my comfy little shell and start dying again.

Wow, that sounds so cheery! Of course, most of my thoughts these days ARE doom and gloom, waiting to screw up for the last time, waiting to be asked to leave, wi\aiting for C to do something drastic. I'm hoping she won't, but I get afraid she may-being in as much pain, and as much pain, as she is.

I worry. I'm good at it.