tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36189352011-04-21T20:39:22.944-06:00RambleGardenA collection of my musings, angst, joys and sorrows, mostly for my own personal growth, but if anyone else can learn something, God bless.
<br />********ON THE NIGHTSTAND(Books I'm currently reading)********
<br />
'The Gift' - Poetry by Hafiz<br />
'Sudoku Puzzles' (I'm addicted!)Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.comBlogger481100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-2188621128372166162007-04-21T21:25:00.000-06:002007-04-21T21:27:10.372-06:00I got it!I finally broke down and bought it.'Howl' by Allen Ginsberg. The complete poem, all edits, correspondence. I can't wait to dig into it!Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-1175144361038145402007-03-28T23:43:00.000-06:002007-03-28T23:59:21.050-06:00Yeah, yeahSo I haven't written in a while. So I've been sick today. So I have the time to catch up.So what.I never really got in to the journalling thing, so blogging is a fairly self-conscious event. The things that really tick me off, I have trouble keeping calm enough to write about. I also would rather read than write.Writing puts a window in myself that anyone can look into. An artist can hide inDonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-1168636723383038992007-01-12T14:16:00.000-07:002007-01-12T14:18:43.393-07:00Hmmm, I really need to write more often! I failed the math class, pretty spectacularly. I took it again, and managed to pass it this fall.Good on me, huh?Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-1138857611250610752006-02-01T22:15:00.000-07:002006-02-01T22:20:11.260-07:00Almost over my computer frustrationnow it's differently directed.I started back to school this semester - 20 years since I had any math classes, now I'm jumping into advanced algebra. I hate feeling like an idiot, but that's exactly what the class makes me feel like. ALL of the homework must be done online (for this I get to pay an extra $140), but when errors are made, there is no one to help Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-1137564472543834212006-01-17T23:06:00.000-07:002006-01-17T23:07:52.576-07:00Damn microsoft!Damn computers!F$%^^## ten F#)%$*#$ hours to try to reload the f#@$%^* OS so it can crash every F)#$%$%*$#) ten minutes!Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-1136695720262680232006-01-07T21:46:00.000-07:002006-01-07T21:48:40.273-07:00Sometimes,I ImagineSometimes,I imagine Godis like a little boy,smearing the sunrisewith exuberent excess.Excited,He wakes me really earlyand whispers in my ear,-- See?--See what I madefor you?Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-1136062804328274792005-12-31T13:59:00.000-07:002005-12-31T14:00:04.330-07:00CommentsHow do I get someone to comment on my pages? I guess someone has to see it, huh?Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-1136062699269192072005-12-31T13:49:00.000-07:002005-12-31T13:58:19.280-07:00a Blog in reviewI've been reviewing the stuff I've written over the past 2 1/2 years, and there's a lot there that I didn't remember. Isn't it funny how pain sort of disappears from your mind when the causing incident is gone?Speaking of removing causing incidents, I saw Craig in Wal-Hell before Christmas, and I didn't kill him. So, once again, I win. I'm the good guy. Yay for me. I still think it would be Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-1134886046800790882005-12-17T23:06:00.000-07:002005-12-17T23:07:26.800-07:00What a long strange tripI never thought I'd be where I am now, still married, so happy with life. If I have to be a failure, this is the way to do it!Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-1085351239612615602004-05-23T16:26:00.000-06:002004-05-23T16:27:19.613-06:00Wisdom From an Unlikely SourceI talked with a puddle today and asked what wisdom she was willing to give.
She was quiet a long time, and I was afraid I had offended.
At the end of our silence she spoke.
“First,” she murmured, “Tell me what you see. Then I will give you my wisdom.”
I leaned and looked deep.
“You are beautiful, brilliant, smooth and difficult to hold
Soft when I caress, hard as stone when I use force.
Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-1085350428378336982004-05-23T16:13:00.000-06:002004-05-23T16:13:48.376-06:00It's been a long time, and lots of changesDonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-913956162003-03-25T23:08:00.000-07:002003-03-25T23:08:11.496-07:00Ya know, things only get more intense. Between bouncing house payments, losing a job, and having dreams where I have fabulous sex with a former co-worker (until I get caught) I'm not sure which way is up anymore. Oh yeah, don't forget blowing the engine on the convertible so I have to ride my bike into work, and NOW, after the driest winter on record, it decides to rain like the bejeezus every Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-909800672003-03-19T01:32:00.000-07:002003-03-19T01:32:07.700-07:00God this year sucks.
I buried my friend tonight.Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-875349752003-01-16T08:00:00.000-07:002003-01-16T08:00:20.193-07:00Bad dream last night. I dreamed *I* was the one who was raped by Craig. And as I was trying to tell about it, I was so afraid I was lying about everything.
I think I'm doubting my sanityDonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-867156452002-12-30T16:06:00.000-07:002002-12-30T16:06:15.713-07:00Ya know, the more I find out, the more I don't want to know. But then again, denial is a thing of the past - or so I'm hoping, so all I can do is find out everything. I don't know if it would be better to get it all out up front, or continue to let it all just eke out piece by piece, and deal with each piece separately - but that seems to drag out the hurt, so I don't know.Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-853777522002-12-02T07:43:00.000-07:002002-12-02T07:43:40.550-07:00ok, I changed my header last week, and it never seemed like it was going to update, so I added this morning's info, and voila! I look like an idiot! Oh well, it could be worse.......Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-853773242002-12-02T07:32:00.000-07:002002-12-02T07:32:55.993-07:00ON THE NIGHTSTAND
(Books I'm currently reading)
'The Gospel According to Harry Potter' by Connie Neal
'Ragamuffin Gospel' by Brennan Manning
'Wild at Heart' by John Eldridge
'Fiery Cross' by Diana Gabaldon (looking for a copy of 'Voyager' - if you have one I'll buy it!"
'Lathe of Heaven' by Ursula K. LeGuinDonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-852994822002-11-30T11:09:00.000-07:002002-11-30T11:09:40.503-07:00Hmmm. thanksgiving +2. What am I thankful for?
I'm still alive. that'll do for starters.Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-833914432002-10-22T23:38:00.000-06:002002-10-23T00:21:20.000-06:00ok, so it's been a long damn time since I wrote. I've been (insert your favorite excuse here, I'm tired of making 'em up!) The poem just did something strange to my mind. I went and visited the travelling Viet Nam Memorial Wall, and again, looking at all of those names, well, I just got a bit loopy.
AND the car saga is not done yet. Blew the f***** heater core two weeks ago, C and I have Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-814862682002-09-11T20:11:00.000-06:002002-09-11T20:13:57.000-06:00Commencement for the Dead
09-10-2001
gotta get up gotta go
gotta get moving, be grooving, be
hit the clock grab a sock gotta rock
another day is coming
grumble mumble oh SHIT!
gotta get moving, get a cuppa joe
mocha no foam - you call this HOT
hit the road, time clock goads, not growing mold
car, like my temper overheating
mumble grumble SHIT! SHIT!
gaining, slowly gaining
till another days Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-810207302002-09-02T00:17:00.000-06:002002-09-02T01:07:48.000-06:00So when do I stop being afraid when things are going well? I know, I bitch and moan about it a lot, but that;s when disaster seems to strike at our relationship.
Of course, right now disaster is striking the damn car. Spent over a grand on it this summer to keep it running, this morning on my way to Caldwell and it over heats. Again. The only part of the cooling system I HAVEN'T replaced is Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-808697972002-08-29T08:11:00.000-06:002002-08-29T08:11:56.376-06:00worried. things are going so well. when does one of us (me) try to sabatoge everything?Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-808116092002-08-27T23:22:00.000-06:002002-08-27T23:22:49.913-06:00I can't decide if I really need to write every day, or not. Sometimes there's not much that seems like needs to be said, sometimes there's so much it clogs up and won't come out. Right now I'm just so busy and tired that I can't seem to want to spare the time at the end of the day.
The stress is easing a bit, but I think I've just decided to keep my head down and barrell through. It's safer Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-805056662002-08-20T21:32:00.000-06:002002-08-20T21:32:42.326-06:00I wish I knew why I am so on edge. I feel just about ready to snap, and God help the individual(s) who are in the blast radius whe that happens. It's not like I've had a stressful time lately or anything. After all, it's quite normal to wrench your marriage back from the abyss, have your daughter butten in the face by a dog, get sued (twice), lose a raise, and have your not-quite-sufficient Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-802161102002-08-13T22:01:00.000-06:002002-08-13T22:04:46.000-06:00Worship is a relationship. I have come to suppose it's like being a kid, and telling your parents how great they are by showing them how much and how often you want to be with them.
I have this image of Koshka when she was about 14 months old. I'm in the living room, trying to get a fire going. I have the baby gate up so she won't get in. I don't want her in the ashes, making a mess (again),Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-800688952002-08-10T10:28:00.000-06:002002-08-10T11:16:58.000-06:00I have to wonder what happens when I decide to do something to improve my life. I'm really trying to 'bounce' my eyes from things I shouldn't dwell on, but when I make an effort to do so, there seems to be so much for them to stick to! Is it because I'm just more sensitive to inappropriate thoughts and actions, or am I under attack?
Like yesterday. I left the house, pledging to 'not look Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-800081152002-08-08T20:23:00.000-06:002002-08-08T20:23:46.980-06:00Of course, I still have to write the letter. I can start with Tom Fischell, write to him and send a sample of a letter to the churches. At the same time, send letters to everyone, connected or not.Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-800079962002-08-08T20:20:00.000-06:002002-08-08T20:23:36.000-06:00Talked w/ Dr Watts yesterday. We went in there to talk about US, and ended up talking about ME. Since things with the uncles are at a legal end, he suggested I write a letter to Tom Fischell and explain that if he doesn't fire Jim, I will write to the convention, to churches, etc until he is no longer in a position to harm children. I hate to even think about threatening something like that, Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-796417762002-07-31T08:28:00.000-06:002002-07-31T15:01:31.000-06:00Had a bad dream last night - need to process. Mostly it was Cyn and I screaming at each other, mostly about money. things are so tight right now I feel like screaming for real. In the dream Cyn was telling me that we neede to just go get a personal accountant to take care of things, I was telling her we couldn't afford it. Then she 'reminded' me that I was getting closer to 40, when I needed Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-794774592002-07-27T10:27:00.000-06:002002-07-27T10:27:33.460-06:00P.T. test today
PU 47
SU 29
2MI 19:18
fuck.Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-794241992002-07-25T22:44:00.000-06:002002-07-25T22:44:40.130-06:00Feeling a real need to write tonight, but I don't know about what. Cyn is on the phone with her mom, having a hard time, and doesn't want me near. She. . . I dunno, she something.
Been talking w/Loki (who is going through shit) and Ti (who seems to be ok) and biding my time, waiting to be needed - no, WANTING to be needed, but Cyn is in this superwoman mode, wanting to 'take care of her own Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-792879392002-07-22T22:45:00.000-06:002002-07-22T22:45:52.083-06:00A long time ago Cyn asked me what sign I was. I told her:
"Scorpio."
"Aha" she said.
"What does that mean?"
"What? Aha, or that you're a Scorpio?"
"Both"
"'Aha' means that I wasn't sure. That you're a Scorpio is interesting."
"How so?"
"Well, from a Scorpio's point of view, there are three important things: Sex, Death and religion, and not necessarily in that order."
I thought for a moment and Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-792073392002-07-20T21:51:00.000-06:002002-07-20T21:51:46.396-06:00Wimped out today. Mom called to wish Bronwyn a happy birthday,and I didn't tell her to fuck off. I FELT like it, but I didn't. I did tell her that the prosecutor had denied my case, so once again the bastards get away with it. But, I told her I expect her to keep a close eye on the kids. Maybe it's better this way, rather than just cutting her off.
Cyn still thinks I'm mad (or should be) atDonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-789607162002-07-14T22:58:00.000-06:002002-07-14T22:58:48.520-06:00Thought for the day
*****************
From 'Wild At Heart by John Eldridge
Now you must understand: Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling, but an act of the will. As Neil Anderson has written, "Don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving; you will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made." We allow God to bring the hurt up from our pastDonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-789252742002-07-13T22:56:00.000-06:002002-07-13T22:56:19.173-06:00All right, I know why I was so crabby today. Well, partly. The heat today was fierce, it's still over 100 at almost 11pm, but that only exacerbated the crankiness. The little detour on the way home from Betsy and Andy's may have been a bit out of the way, but it was right on the map. ; )Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-789091432002-07-13T12:35:00.000-06:002002-07-14T23:11:07.000-06:00******in the morning, after some sleep (shut up, loki!)*********
Feeling a bit displaced today. I wanted to build a case for our massive cd collection, but the first thing C says is, "If it's ugly can I say no?" What the hell am I supposed to say? "No, you can't refuse. I'm building this damn thing to correct an organization problem, and I want to do it. If you hate it, tough shit, it's my Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-788955572002-07-13T00:18:00.000-06:002002-07-13T00:18:24.703-06:00ok, I'm going to bed. If I write any more . . . well, I don't know what I'll do, OK?!?Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-788954262002-07-13T00:14:00.000-06:002002-07-14T23:09:52.000-06:00...and speaking of pissing off parents, (or getting pissed on by said) I got a *wonderful* email from Dad today. (feel the sarcasm? Hmm?) He sends me this pious little poem, supposedly written in first person, about a little girl that is being abused, thinking she was bad and deserves it. I'm sure the person who penned it has never even been within striking distance of that kind of abuse - I Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-788947122002-07-12T23:49:00.000-06:002002-07-13T00:24:29.000-06:00I just re-read my previous entry. Why do I let my mouth (in this case fingers) go so off? I wish I could express my frustration without resorting to profanity, but sometimes it is the only thing that fits. But if I say 'fuck' to mom, she'll probably have a heart attack.
Lord, forgive the way I vent my frustration. I know feeling frustrated is not wrong, but what I do with it demonstrates my Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-788946052002-07-12T23:45:00.000-06:002002-07-12T23:49:48.000-06:00I saw a bumper sticker that offended me today. It said "If it ain't King James, It ain't a BIBLE!" I just have to wonder what these kind of people think when the either slap this sticker on their truck (yes, it was a truck) or even THINK to produce such a thing. After all, do they really believe that God speaks King James English? Well, if you read certain famous fiction writers in the Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-787640532002-07-09T23:26:00.000-06:002002-07-09T23:26:14.850-06:00I've run across this quote three times in different places in the past two days. I wonder at the significance . . .
**************
It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly . . .Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-787596672002-07-09T21:28:00.000-06:002002-07-09T21:28:55.776-06:00I just realized - If Cyn wants to find this page she can with little difficulty. Duh, the shortcut is right there on the desktop!
Somtimes I wonder about myself . . . . Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-787594122002-07-09T21:21:00.000-06:002002-07-09T21:21:30.440-06:00Cyn asked me what the next step is. It kinda threw me, I thought we were still exploring the first one! I told her I wanted to start dating again, but it's difficult to plan anything when I have no control over the budget. We may (budget allowing) have worked out a solution to that, and rather painlessly, too. She liked the idea, I haven't told her it was the ONLY thing I could find the Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-786292762002-07-06T16:50:00.000-06:002002-07-13T12:46:01.000-06:00****later in the day********
Just woke up from a nap and my head's still fuzzy. Spent the morning cleaning ang fighting with Beth. Why is it that she can so easily push my buttons? And she's only 11. 7 years of this shit to go. . . .Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-786120492002-07-06T02:19:00.000-06:002002-07-13T12:45:35.000-06:00I should go to sleep, but I can't, and I don't want to. Been chatting w/ Loki and Mark, both at different phases of the same conversation. What happened, where did it go wrong, how to fix things. I pray every day things will get better, and if I could WILL them better, they would be. I have that much will. But do I have the will to act? Hmmm. .. seems to be the crux of the problems. Loki Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-786074562002-07-05T22:57:00.000-06:002002-07-05T23:38:16.000-06:00Well, didn't run, but got posted. I'm telling Mark about the troubles w/Cyn. I guess he might know how it feels to be asked to split, but then again, I'm not going anywhere.
Ok. The real reason I hate journaling is that you can't bullshit yourself. We'll see how this goes. . .
I guess eventually I'll get over the idea that I need to write for someONE, rather than just to write. I've never Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-786034632002-07-05T20:47:00.000-06:002002-07-05T20:47:10.590-06:00Well, I want to write more, but Cyn will be home soon, and I need to get the kids put to bed. Maybe I'll get back tomorrow, if I have the time. I'll have to go to work sometime and make up Drill time, (sometimes the Army is a drag) But maybe I'll just let it go.
I gotta run tonight, too. Can't fail the PT test.
Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3618935.post-786030562002-07-05T20:29:00.000-06:002002-07-05T20:29:22.943-06:00I needed a journal, and here it is. This is mostly for my benefit, a way to sort out without having to leave the computer. If anyone gets frustrated because I'm not posting fast enough, get over it. This is my brain, and if you wanna peek, you'll do it on my time and my terms.Donhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12046158821585118495noreply@blogger.com0